Jamming at Granny's pad, it's...
T H E J U I C E A N D G I N
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Term XLIV, Issue 08 (#238)
Weather outlook:
Snappy.
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* Contents *
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- Editor's Blurb
- Ongoing Events
- Greg's DTK
- Humour
- General Info
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* Editor's Blurb *
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Hey all
Quick intro, mostly due to the fact that otherwise this will never get
out the door.
Until next time,
Poop jokes are what make people want to go to the movies! Genius!
Michael (mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca)
And now, the rest of the story...
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* Ongoing Events *
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[See the Event Calendar on the web site for full descriptions.
--Ed.]
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NUTS Pool League
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Mondays
STILL NEW EMAIL!!
New term starts in September!
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/index.html#Monday
Contact: Dave and Michael (nuts.pool$gmail.com)
View the current players' statistics at:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/pool/index.html
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Indoor Rock Climbing
====================
Thursdays
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/index.html#Thursday
Contact: Andrew (akpallek$hotmail.com)
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* Greg's Deep Thought Korner *
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I’ve been thinking lately about naming conventions.
Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple. In the series "Firefly," the
character of River Tam was played by Summer Glau. May and June have
been girls' names for a long time. So has Julie. I met a girl a couple
of years ago named January.
What if we followed this trend and continued naming children after
natural phenomena and geological features?
We could start calling our kids "Creek," "Fog" and "Blizzard."
I wonder what would happen if we named boys the same way.
"I'd like you to meet my sons, Glacier and Avalanche. They're both
ponderously large, but Avi falls down unexpectedly while Glace tends to
move backwards when it gets hot out."
How about "Cumulonimbus" and "Tornado?" These are probably better
descriptions of most children anyway, but the names might be a bit
inconvenient if your children grow up to be anything other than American
Gladiators or Professional Wrestlers.
I can kind of see where Gwyneth was going. My mother used to call us
names like "Pumpkin" and "Sack of Potatoes." Of course, she didn't put
those names on our birth certificates. She was wise that way.
On the other hand, I wouldn't have minded a funky middle name. Think
how cool it would be to have the name "John Lightning Smith," rather
than "John Smith." You'd better be a fast runner, though, although
being a quick typist might be okay. Well, you'd better be fast at
something to have a name like that if you want to avoid premature
ejaculation jokes all your life.
I'd be more concerned about giving a daughter a funny name. "Jane
Precious Smith" is almost guaranteed to be a stripper when she grows up.
Not there's anything wrong with being a stripper. The world needs
strippers, and they make good money. I'm just saying that you might be
pigeonholing her if you call your daughter "Precious," "Chocolate" or
"Ocean." (I'm not kidding, "Precious" is the actual name of about 1 in
10000 babies in the 1990s:
http://www.babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/lnv0105.html ). She'll be in
for a long, upward slog if she decides to become, say, a school-teacher
or a feminist author.
There's another option: using a geographic term that is so esoteric
that the average person won't know what to associate with it. You can
try things like "knoll", "mesa" and "strata". You might want to avoid
"Nickel-Iron Core" and "Sub-continent" because some software won't allow
hyphens in first names. "Agglutinate" and "Andesite" sound nice and
give nice the convenient short forms of "Aggie" and "Andy."
"Craton" and "Fluvial" sound a little metro and don't really make good
girls's names either. "Name please?", a registrar would ask your son
one day. "Hypabyssal," he would answer, "with two ‘y's; the traditional
spelling."
Or maybe, facing that same question, your daughter would say, "Kipuka,"
which would invoke some very interesting imagery, or maybe just a subtle
commentary about your opinion of the emotional instability of your in-laws.
Well, that's enough of that for now. Just don't name your kid after
fruit. It's bound to confuse her later in life.
Greg.
[Send responses to DTKs or new Editorials to nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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* Humour *
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[Forward any good jokes or interesting web sites you see to
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
[Disclaimer: The Humour Section may contain content that includes dirty
words, adult situations and jokes that make fun of politicians. Viewer
discretion is advised. --Ed.]
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Super Fun Potty Time
====================
Potty training made easy... the all-cartoon singing and dancing way!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DQFVoLz88hiU
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30 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
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01. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for
ignoring me.
02. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper, too! I
invited her over for dinner on Friday.
03. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
04. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and
missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
05. Bar food again!? Kick ass.
06. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has
class.
07. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go
over and talk to her.
08. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't
have to mess with it anymore.
09. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
10. It's only the second period, you should order a couple more
pitchers.
11. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare
ass!
12. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round
for you and your friends.
13. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change
it again.
14. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer. You
passed out before brushing your teeth again, you big silly guy!
15. You are so much smarter than my father.
16. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch
hockey.
17. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
18. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
19. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
20. I'd rather watch hockey and drink beer with you than go shopping.
21. Let's subscribe to Hustler, my treat.
22. I'll be out painting the house.
23. I love it when you ride your muscle car; I just wish you had more
time to ride.
24. Honey, our new neighbour's 18-year-old daughter is sunbathing in the
nude again, come see!
25. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
26. Your mother is way better than mine.
27. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy
yourself something.
28. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you take
time off to relax?
29. You need your sleep, you big silly guy, now stop getting up for the
baby's night feedings.
30. Look! My ass is fatter than yours!
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* General Info *
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Contact the NUTS Committee:
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca
The NUTS Website is:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror/ (within Alcatel-Lucent)
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