The greatest breakthrough in labour relations since the Cat-O-9-Tails,
it's...
T H E J U I C E A N D G I N
Wednesdasy, April 18, 2007
Term XLIII, Issue 8 (#227)
Weather outlook:
Stupid pressure cooker.
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* Contents *
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- Editor's Blurb
- Ongoing Events
- Greg's DTK
- Humour
- General Info
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* Editor's Blurb *
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Hey all
Due to circumstances beyond even an expert procrastinator's control, the
Juice and Gin has, in fact, been forced to skip the odd week here, there
and, unfortunately, everywhere. We have, also, worked out a new system
of obscenely unprofessional punctuation that, however, introduces many
new, unnecessary, and wholly irrelevant commas into already wordy prose.
This can only have one benefit, which, according to more deranged
ramblings, is to inflate the word count of the increasingly confusing
introduction so that it appears, however unlikely, that the readership
is actually receiving their money's worth in the form of pointless
diversions.
Only time, and a trained monkey, will tell if, this, is actually, um,
working.
Until next time,
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
Michael (mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca)
And now, the rest of the story...
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* Ongoing Events *
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[See the Event Calendar on the web site for full descriptions.
--Ed.]
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Pool League
===========
Mondays
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/index.html#Monday
Contact: Dave and Michael (pool$solutionsatsource.com)
View the current players' statistics at:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/pool/index.html
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Indoor Rock Climbing
====================
Thursdays
Contact: Andrew (akpallek$hotmail.com)
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* Greg's Deep Thought Korner *
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First read the story of how, in early 2001, the French government had
warned the CIA and the American government that Al Qaeda had given the
go ahead to hijack planes in the U.S.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070416.wqaed0416/BNStory/International/home
You'll notice this quote: "You have to remember that up until 2001,
hijacking an airplane did not have the same meaning as after Sept. 11.
At the time, that meant forcing an airplane to land in an airport to
carry out negotiations. We were used to handling that."
Patently untrue, of course, and the French knew this because Algerian
terrorists had tried to do exactly the same thing to the Eiffel Tower in
1994 as was done to the WTCs in 2001.
http://www.janes.com/security/international_security/news/jir/jir010924_1_n.shtml
On a completely different topic, connected in no way with September 11,
I had a pair of religious fundamentalists knocking at my door Saturday
trying to convert me to their religion. How far away from the city do
you have to move before these people will leave you alone?
"Aren't you worried about the cruelty and misery in the world?", one of
the two well dressed women asked me by way of introduction.
This was a tough one for me, because the first response that pops to
mind is: "Yes, and it's generally people trying to push their religion
on each other that causes most of the misery... or at least provides
really good excuses and motivation so the wealthy and powerful can
manipulate the poor in to killing each other."
Believe me you, I thought long and hard, but finally said, with utmost
courtesy and the idea in mind that we nonbelievers probably need to
improve our reputation, "We're all atheists here, so we're really not
interested, thank you."
"Can I leave you with a few pamphlets?" she asked, extending her
unwelcome presence as I tried to close the door.
As entertaining as those might have been, I wanted to make sure to crush
all aspirations and hope of conversion and said simply, "No, thank you."
"Oh, what a cute boy!" she remarked.
With a sigh at this further extension of the intrusion in to my Saturday
morning, I turned to see my 16 month old son standing behind me,
examining these guests.
He put it to them as simply as I should have put it to them. With a
madly flapping hand, he called out, "Bye bye, bye bye." And I closed
the door.
Greg.
[Send responses to DTKs or new Editorials to nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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* Humour *
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[Forward any good jokes or interesting web sites you see to
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
[Disclaimer: The Humour Section may contain content that includes dirty
words, adult situations and jokes that make fun of politicians. Viewer
discretion is advised. --Ed.]
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Friendly Advice
===============
Thanks to Linda G.'s Temporary Tomfoolery Machine
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another
song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having
a piss before the film starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to cancel
the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to photomat.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
to yourself via Canada Post. You will never see it again.
CRIMINALS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at a 90-degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case
they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid time-consuming job interviews by immediately tossing 90
percent of the applicants' CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a $100 bill to
yourself through the mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly
together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for
slicing or grating.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house while you're asleep by
simply moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged when you can't see anything worth
stealing. All the valuables are hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help,"
simply shout "Help!" thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your cell inside a large shell and the police will think you
are listening to the ocean.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown take-out bags green so they blend in with
the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside expensive clothing stores with several bags of shopping, looking
at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 km/h.
After 3 kilometres phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
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Zoo Joke
========
Man goes to the zoo.
But when he arrives there's only a dog.
It was a Shitzu.
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* General Info *
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Contact the NUTS Committee:
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca
The NUTS Website is:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror/ (within Alcatel-Lucent)
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Copyright (c) 2001, 2007 N.U.T.S. All rights reserved.