The only species in the animal kingdom smarter than a turkey, it's...
T H E J U I C E A N D G I N
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Term XLIII, Issue 3 (#222)
Weather outlook:
Freaky-deaky cold.
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* Contents *
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- Editor's Blurb
- Ongoing Events
- Greg's DTK
- Humour
- General Info
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* Editor's Blurb *
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Hey all
Okay, usually I do all the housekeeping stuff at the end of the
introduction, but since I'm sure everyone just skims the newsletter for
dirty words, I might as well get this out of the way right now.
It would be great if we could get a more accurate list of everyone who
actually reads the J&G. So here's your homework assignment: reply to
this mail buy doing two things:
1. Hit reply.
2. Hit send.
Easy peasy. You don't even have to write any content; but I'm sure
there's going to be a few naughty words in there. Like "poop." That's
always fun to read in print. Okay, let's see how well this works out.
Okay, onto the more confusing part of tonight's festivities...
So this is what I'm thinking: whoever figured that this "winter" thing
was a good idea doesn't know the definition of "balance." This means
that there's too much "stuff" going on during the winter months. And by
"stuff" I mean "crap."
Things like freezing cold weather and shovelling tonnes of snow. These
two unique bits of winter fun should be divided up into separate seasons
so we don't overdose on all the goodness. This is why I'm proposing
that we move shovelling to the summer. I wouldn't mind shovelling the
driveway in shorts and sandals. Seems like a good way to get some fresh
air and exercise. Especially if it's nine o'clock at night and still
sunny out.
And if the government controls the weather like I keep hearing they do,
this should not be a problem.
Until next time,
When I grow up, I want to be an Impersonator on a submarine!
Michael (mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca)
And now, the rest of the story...
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* Ongoing Events *
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[See the Event Calendar on the web site for full descriptions.
--Ed.]
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Pool League
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Mondays
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/index.html#Monday
Contact: Dave and Michael (pool$solutionsatsource.com)
View the current players' statistics at:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/pool/index.html
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Indoor Rock Climbing
====================
Thursdays
Contact: Andrew (akpallek$hotmail.com)
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* Greg's Deep Thought Korner *
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http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070131.wbuildings31/BNStory/National/home
I bring you a story of a huge rip off about to happen and I only hope
that it can be prevented.
The minority Conservative government is beginning to play the same games
that Mike Harris, Ernie Eves and their PC brothers played in Ontario.
The first step is to convince you that you pay too much in taxes. They
will give you a small tax break and then give huge tax breaks to
corporations. At this point they have a problem: how can they balance
the budget? In Ontario, the answer came easy. They simply lied about
being financially responsible and let the provincial debt balloon out of
control. To make it less than completely obvious that they were
bankrupting us and our children, however, they also sold off a lot of
our property.
Yes, you heard me say it: *our* property.
You see, the government doesn't actually own anything. If you think
about it for a moment, whenever we say that the government owns
something, we really mean that it owned by we, the people. Communally,
it belongs to all of us. The parks, the buildings, the police cars and
the hospitals are all owned by all of us. What the PCs did in Ontario
was to sell off our assets - highways, crown corporations, you name it -
in order to give the appearance that the budget wasn't grossly
underfunded. Of course, they never once balanced a budget anyway, but
somehow the supposedly left-wing media failed to mention this to us.
Moving along, Harper's federal Conservatives (no "Progressive" prefix
here), are going to do the same thing with our federal buildings.
Should this succeed, be ready for more. They're going to sell off $1.5B
worth of buildings to private companies and then lease the buildings
back using 10 to 25 year contracts. Now riddle me this: how are these
private companies going to make money? Well, they're going to have to
maintain the buildings and make a profit. The profit, of course, is
locked in by the lease agreement. Somehow, I should believe that a
private company is so efficient that it can do all of the maintenance,
make a profit *and* have the total cost come out cheaper than if the
government did the maintenance itself.
I've worked for private companies. I've never found any of them to be
miraculously efficient. What they are good at, though, is giving people
lower pay, breaking unions, cutting benefits and such. Is that where
our savings comes from? A race to the bottom in quality of life?
Why else is this a rip off? The Conservative government will report
this $1.5B sale in the budget as part of the "surplus", thus looking
like good stewards of our treasury. The real cost won't be realized
until the leases we're paying on these buildings vastly exceed the
maintenance costs. By then the Conservatives will be out of government
and someone will look bad raising taxes to cover the lease.
Anything else? Well, there's this trick you can play while you're in
government. You give a sweet, cherry, no-bid contract to some company
that will make tens or hundreds of millions from it. Then, when you
leave government, you get a nice 6-figure "consultant's job" for the
rest of your life. You can probably ask the Right Honourable Gordon
O'Connor, our current Minister of Defence, about it. He used to be a
lobbyist for several aerospace and defence companies.
So, yeah, this is a big rip off. They're selling our property,
mortgaging our future, and lining their own beds with our ill-gotten
gains. Meanwhile, they'll try to bill it all as prudent fiscal
management when they show us the temporary "surplus" in the budget.
Shenanigans!
Greg.
[Send responses to DTKs or new Editorials to nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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* Humour *
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[Forward any good jokes or interesting web sites you see to
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
[Disclaimer: The Humour Section may contain content that includes dirty
words, adult situations and jokes that make fun of politicians. Viewer
discretion is advised. --Ed.]
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Doctor Finklestar: Space Urologist
==================================
It ain't high concept, but it delivers the funny.
(WARNING: Toilet Humour. Seriously. Don't come back complaining you
didn't expect that sort of thing in the Juice and Gin.)
http://www.nerdarmada.com/finklestar.html
(Flash cartoon)
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Learning To Swear
=================
Thanks to Linda G.'s Instant Profanity Machine
A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we
started cussing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year
old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4-year old
agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at th e 4-year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"
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* General Info *
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Contact the NUTS Committee:
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca
The NUTS Website is:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror/ (within Alcatel-Lucent)
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