A sit-com just waiting to happen, it's...
T H E J U I C E A N D G I N
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Term XLI, Issue 10 (#204)
Weather outlook:
Stupid rain.
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* Contents *
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- Editor's Blurb
- Ongoing Events
- Greg's DTK
- Humour
- General Info
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* Editor's Blurb *
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Hey all
Okay, even though it's really Thursday morning, the Juice and Gin is
still being allocated a Wednesday night timeslot. Why? Because I'm a
rebel and I live for danger, that's why.
As a totally meaningless aside, I was looking at the textual description
on the back of my tube of sunscreen (Nutrogena UltraSheer SPF 45), and
it states that this product, is, in fact "Non-comedogenic." My first
instinct was that this product "doesn't make you look like a clown."
For anyone who wants to know what it actually means, I suggest you give
Google a try.
That's enough excitement for one issue. The last thing you need is
over-stimulation.
Until next time,
Now hang me upside-down like a turkey.
Michael (mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca)
And now, the rest of the story...
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* Ongoing Events *
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[See the Event Calendar on the web site for full descriptions.
--Ed.]
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Pool League
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Mondays
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/index.html#Monday
Contact: Dave and Michael (pool$solutionsatsource.com)
View the current players' statistics at:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/pool/index.html
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Indoor Rock Climbing
====================
Thursdays
Contact: Andrew (akpallek$hotmail.com)
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* Greg's Deep Thought Korner *
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I've been doing politics for a while now, and I haven't said anything
truly offensives about personal topics in a long time.
Remember when I did that thing where I compared the idea of "paying
women less because they might get pregnant and quit" with "men paying
higher auto insurance"? Remember all those inflammatory emails I got?
Then, right after that, I talked about the stats that showed that, back
in 1994, someone did a study of accidents-per-mile-driven and found that
women were just as bad, if not worse, than men?
Ah, those were the days. Biggest response to a DTK ever. I think seven
people wrote in.
So I started thinking that if that's what you all get excited about,
maybe I should toss a little more of that music out there.
Why don't we like to carry your purses? Because it makes us feel gay.
Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. But since we aren't, we
don't like feeling gay. I'll carry the diaper bag. It's very
utilitarian looking: no pink; no baby-blue; lots of square-shaped pockets.
Onward: Why won't women tell us what they want?
I hate to make sweeping generalizations, but a good sweeping
generalization is more likely to upset someone and, let's be honest, we
all enjoy getting angry about *something* now and then. I think Plato
asked Socrates the self same question: "Forsooth --" (that's how they
spoke back then) "-- wherefore dost my wife expect things of me but is
unwilling to name the things she expecteth?"
(Disclaimer: let's not pretend that I understand women. I understand
one of them, whose behaviour makes sense, in hindsight, a little more
than half the time. And that's good enough to be getting on with.)
It may come down to conditioning. Unavoidably, we are the products of
our environments. If your environment involves gushy romance novels,
90210 and Hollywood fare, you're going to have some pretty unrealistic
influences. We men, of course, have our influences as well, but ours
are so obviously unrealistic that we never transpose them over real
life. You're not getting laid when you deliver a pizza and you won't
meet the woman of your dreams by saving her life during an alien
invasion, sudden ice age or recovery of the Ark of the Covenant.
The influences that women are hit with on a daily basis, however, seem
much more firmly grounded in reality, even while they involve complex
scripts. We, as men, have no clue about these scripts because we
consciously avoid Cosmopolitan magazine, soap operas and chick flicks
(same reason we won't carry your purse).
So, for example, she says something mysterious to him and expects a
specific response. Clueless, he says something like, "Did you punch her
in the nose?" or "Quit that job already" or, perhaps realizing the love
of his life has said something out of character, he uses the old "Hmph"
with a concerned grimace, hoping to pull off "strong and silent." None
of these fits the bill, and the whole thing collapses.
I knew a girl once who told me, as we walked through a flea market full
of used books, that every man should read at least one Harlequin romance
novel so he can understand what it is that women are expecting. Passing
by a newsstand with a wide array of glossy magazines, I felt wise when I
didn't offer the obvious corollary.
The Seven Habits guy wrote that we all come loaded with scripts. Our
parents, our siblings and society at large give us these scripts,
slipping them quietly in to our brains. We must not allow ourselves to
expect other people to fall in to our scripts so neatly. And really,
would it be satisfying to have a conversation full of such artificial
dialogue? Why not simply state the things that are desired? It might
seem less magical, perhaps, but boy wouldn't everybody be happy if they
got what they wanted?
Greg.
[Send responses to DTKs or new Editorials to nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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* Humour *
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[Forward any good jokes or interesting web sites you see to
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
[Disclaimer: The Humour Section may contain content that includes dirty
words, adult situations and jokes that make fun of politicians. Viewer
discretion is advised. --Ed.]
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The Test
========
Thanks to stalwart J&G reader R.P.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."
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* General Info *
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Contact the NUTS Committee:
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca
The NUTS Website is:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror/ (for people within Alcatel)
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