Lumpy in all the wrong places, it's...
T H E J U I C E A N D G I N
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Term XL, Issue 14 (#191)
Weather outlook:
Don't get comfortable, Chachi.
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* Contents *
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- Editor's Blurb
- Ongoing Events
- Greg's DTK
- Humour
- Classifieds
- General Info
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* Editor's Blurb *
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Hey all
Extra short intro this week, mostly because I'm still tired. Cop out,
perhaps. Baloney... perhaps not.
Until next time,
Be kind to your vegetable friends.
Michael (mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca)
And now, the rest of the story...
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* Ongoing Events *
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[See the Event Calendar on the web site for full descriptions.
--Ed.]
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Pool League
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Mondays
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/index.html#Monday
Contact: Dave and Michael (pool$solutionsatsource.com)
View the current players' statistics at:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/pool/index.html
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Indoor Rock Climbing
====================
Thursdays
Contact: Andrew (akpallek$hotmail.com)
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* Greg's Deep Thought Korner *
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http://www.sft-ddt.gc.ca/default_e.htm
I have to admit that I have never read a Throne Speech before. Maybe
I'm more interested in politics these days. Maybe I only read this one
because of my distrust of our current government. Maybe I read it
because I heard it was short.
I'm not sure if "irony" is the right word. It's a word used improperly
far too often.
Perhaps "lies" would be better.
"On January 23, the Canadian people elected a new government. The
Government is honoured by the responsibility it has been given for
managing the affairs of our great country."
Honoured? Really? So honoured by the democratic mandate were they that
they sidestepped those inconvenient "election results" to steal one MP
and appoint another one to the Senate.
The speech mentions what our country has achieved "through hard work,
foresight and good fortune..." leaving out, in traditional Conservative
fashion, our sense our community and the degree to which we take care of
one another in difficult times. Then there's our "leading edge" in
science as we watch our relative abilities in science and math education
fall beyond other developed nations. The speech goes on to talk about
our success in the "bustling markets of Asia." That throws me for a
loop. If we didn't export billions of dollars worth of natural
resources, we'd have a trade deficit. We've let our manufacturing
sector crumble. What do the bustling markets of Asia want besides our oil?
On accountability, the man who told his ministers to shut up and kicked
the media out of the halls of Parliament, wrote these words for the
Governor General to read: "Canadians have chosen change. They want a
government that treats their tax dollars with respect. A government
that puts ordinary working people and their families first. A
government that is accountable."
Accountable? Please say "transparency" too. If you lie so blatantly,
there's no way anyone will remember that you've muzzled all of your
ministers.
And so we're treated to the first mention of the "Federal Accountability
Act." "The legislation... will ensure that positions of public trust
cannot be used as stepping stones to private lobbying." Really? Did
Mr. Harper write this before or after he appointed Gordon O'Connor,
former Defence lobbyist, to the position of Minister of Defence?
Ugh. I could go on forever. There's the bit about how lowering the GST
will help the lowest income Canadians the most -- even though we all
know that the food, rent and children's clothing that the lowest income
Canadians spend most of their money on is immune to the GST. And the
Conservatives are going to tackle our rising crime rate (you know, the
rate that's falling?) with longer sentences. There's a throwaway line
in there about "helping communities provide... opportunity" for youth.
Look for this to mean "lowering minimum wage" and "corporate tax cuts"
in the name of some bizarre theory of corporate profit trickling down to
a lower unemployment rate.
It's as if they want to smother us with lies and obscenities in the
hopes of overwhelming us. And yet our supposedly "liberal" press makes
no criticism but as regards how fat our Prime Minister is getting these
days.
To our media I say, "you suck."
To our new government, I say, "I'll be glad to see the back of you."
Greg.
[Send responses to DTKs or new Editorials to nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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* Humour *
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[Forward any good jokes or interesting web sites you see to
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
[Disclaimer: The Humour Section may contain content that includes dirty
words, adult situations and jokes that make fun of politicians. Viewer
discretion is advised. --Ed.]
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Toughest Questions
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[A little wordy, but there's a bonus joke at the end. So really it's
two, two, two jokes in one. --Ed.]
Here are the correct answers to the five hardest and most often
incorrectly answered questions a female may ask a male.
The five questions are:
1. "What are you thinking?"
2. "Do you love me?"
3. "Do I look fat?"
4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5. "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer
properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1. "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a
lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no
resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time,
which was most likely one of five things:
a. Hockey.
b. Beer.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to a Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his
wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead
of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
2. "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel
the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by "love."
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
3. "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and
emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the
room. Wrong answers include:
a. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b. Compared to what?
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you
were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an
actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is,
"No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
5. "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise,
life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under
the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by
the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you
ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear," said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear," he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Okay," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old
clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really?" said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of
me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd
let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
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* Classifieds *
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ROOM FOR RENT
Furnished second floor room. House privileges, TV, laundry, parking.
Close to shopping and bus routes. Katimavik, near Hazeldean Mall.
Co-op students welcome. Non-smoking. Available immediately.
591-3718.
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* General Info *
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Contact the NUTS Committee:
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca
The NUTS Website is:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror/ (for people within Alcatel)
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