A horrendous hoax perpetrated on an unsuspecting public, it's...
T H E J U I C E A N D G I N
Tuesday, February 01, 2006
Term XL, Issue 5 (#182)
Weather outlook:
Bleakness.
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* Contents *
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- Editor's Blurb
- Ongoing Events
- Greg's DTK
- Humour
- General Info
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* Editor's Blurb *
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Hey all
This past weekend, Spring poked its head into town to take a look
around to see what was going on. Winter saw it, and beat it back into
submission with a big stick, possibly a crowbar. And Spring doesn't
take kindly to being pushed around like that, so we're probably going to
be spending a lot of time with sore, old Mr. Winter for quite some time.
You know I'm stretching for subject matter when I start
anthropomorphizing the seasons. Perhaps it's just an excuse to insert a
six-syllable word into the Juice and Gin. Like onomatopoetic, that's a
word that doesn't have a tendency to appear in regular, polite conversation.
In any event, I think Nickelback stoke Greg's bike. You'll know what I
mean when you read the DTK this week.
Until next time,
I'm yelling and likely upset!
Michael (mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca)
And now, the rest of the story...
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* Ongoing Events *
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[See the Event Calendar on the web site for full descriptions.
--Ed.]
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Pool League
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Mondays
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/index.html#Monday
Contact: Larisa and Michael (pool$solutionsatsource.com)
View the current players' statistics at:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/pool/index.html
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Indoor Rock Climbing
====================
Thursdays
Contact: Andrew (akpallek$hotmail.com)
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* Greg's Deep Thought Korner *
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Normally, I like to express a single opinion in this column and back it
up with well thought out, quality logic.
For once, I'd like to simply bombard you all with some quick opinions on
some of 2005's highlights. Perhaps, by ranting like this, you'll
understand that my regular columns are not (relatively speaking)
rants... per se.
Stars Wars III: terrible. I expected too much, maybe, but it just
failed to tie up all the loose ends. Luke never went to Dagobah, though
he remembers the place in Episode 5. Leia never actually met her
mother, despite remembering her in Episode 6. And if the
glowing-ghost-after-death thing had to be passed from Yoda to Kenobi --
after Anakin had turned -- how did Anakin learn it? Poor. Not "Greedo
fired first" poor, but poor all the same.
Dogs are better than cats. Cats, though they suck, are still better
than Nickelback.
Matrix III: pretty good, actually. I went in with pretty low
expectations, but I was pleasantly surprised. Sure, you have to ask
yourself why they didn't have lots of those EMP things all over their
base, but still, it was no more or less vacuous than any other action
movie out there.
Number of WMDs found in Iraq? Still zero. People who still think WMDs
have been found, and believe on that basis that the invasion and
occupation of Iraq were merited? Significantly above zero.
Kingdom of Heaven: good movie. Everything I've ever said or believed
about organized religion, but with explosions.
Hooking penalties, trapezoids and removed red lines: good idea. It
almost redeems hockey to the point where I can watch it again.
Dr. Phil? Annoying. I'm not sure why. On the rare occasions that I
watch him, he more often than not has good advice. Just something about
him pisses me off.
Sugar? Probably causes diabetes when you take enough of it. Given the
cost of diabetes and our public health care system, we should probably
cut down on it, even if that means legislating the maximum amount of
sugar one soft drink can contain.
Babies? Very cute. Well, ours is, at any rate.
Linguistic abuse: getting worse. I don't want to be all ridiculous,
like the Academy of Frenchness, but there's a point where abuse of the
English language leads to incoherency. "Lose" is a verb, an antonym to
"Find" or "Win". "Loose" is an adjective, an antonym to "Tight".
Please stop mixing them up. As well, please stop using apostrophes for
plurals. If you have two compact discs, they are "CDs", as in "All of
Nickelback's CDs suck". The spelling "CD's" would refer to things
possessed by a compact disc, as in "All of this Nickelback CD's tracks
suck." Got it?
Now go out there and file your taxes. We're all supposed to have
$349.25 rebates coming.
Greg.
[Send responses to DTKs or new Editorials to nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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* Humour *
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[Forward any good jokes or interesting web sites you see to
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
[Disclaimer: The Humour Section may contain content that includes dirty
words, adult situations and jokes that make fun of politicians. Viewer
discretion is advised. --Ed.]
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Family
======
Thanks to Linda G.'s Inappropriate Hand-Shake
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Top Facts About Jack Bauer
==========================
Thanks to Greg G. @ Alcatel
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Jack Bauer would have died for our sins, but Jack doesn't die for
pussies.
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four
minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them. Ever.
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance
Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next
half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken,
but Jack Bauer says its beef -- then it's beef.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now
is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
What colour is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question -- Jack Bauer does
not bleed.
Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools
Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack
Bauer.
Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him
blink.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack
Bauer hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was
shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When Jack Bauer masturbates, all women within three miles have orgasms.
Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in three moves.
Jack Bauer's favourite colour is severe terror alert red. His second
favourite colour is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer
says something then you better do it.
Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl... by himself.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4
times. What have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without
instructions or an alan key.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Jack Bauer won't let you stop reading these.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in three days. It took Jack Bauer
less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
James Bond has a license to kill; Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you
masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
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* General Info *
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Contact the NUTS Committee:
nutsinfo$yahoo.ca
The NUTS Website is:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror (for people within Alcatel)
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Copyright (c) 2001, 2006 N.U.T.S. All rights reserved.