The confused mumblings of a madman, it's...
T H E J U I C E A N D G I N
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Term XXXIX, Issue 9 (#172)
Weather outlook:
An extended holiday of non-crap.
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* Contents *
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- Editor's Blurb
- Ongoing Events
- Photographia
- Greg's DTK
- Humour
- General Info
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* Editor's Blurb *
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Hey all
Partially short issue this week. Mostly owing to the fact that I keep
running out of time to hit that Tuesday midnight deadline. What's the
deal with that anyway? Really, I could just say that this thing goes
out on Thursdays and all of a sudden have two extra days to think about
how I have nothing to say in the intro. Magically, having an arbitrary
deadline generally means arbitrary content. But you already knew that,
you smart monkey.
The Pool League is settling just peachy into it's new regular Monday
night digs at the Cue and Cushion (on Bank). And really, I can't say
too much more than that without repeating myself. Over and over again.
And again. Well, you get the idea.
One of these days, when I actually have some time, I'm going to go off
on a major rant on how able-bodied people use the automatic door-openers
(plainly marked with a wheelchair symbol) to help them get around
opening doors. But that would mean there's actually fresh content in
the introduction, and we can't have that. Can we? Damn straight.
Until next time,
You're a very beautiful woman. Probably.
Michael (mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca)
And now, the rest of the story...
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* Ongoing Events *
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[See the Event Calendar on the web site for full descriptions.
--Ed.]
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Pool League
===========
Mondays
STILL NEW LOCATION!
http://www.solutionsatsource.com/pool [This website is painfully out of
date. For a better description of what's currently going on, see
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/index.html#Monday --Ed.]
Contact: Larisa and Michael (mailto:pool$solutionsatsource.com)
View the current players' statistics at:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/pool/index.html
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Indoor Rock Climbing
====================
Thursday evenings
Contact: Claire (mailto:Claire.Mettier$alcatel.com)
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* Photographia *
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Turns out I didn't get around to getting that Hallowe'en Punch Of The
Week. Perhaps this is a sign. But so is the red octagon one, but that
doesn't mean I follow it.
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/pictures/Punch/index.html
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror/pictures/Punch/index.html
Please obey all traffic signs.
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* Greg's Deep Thought Korner *
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I know a number of Americans and all of them seem to be stunned by the
daily verbal thrashings they endure at the hands of their hosts while
they live or visit Canada. Why do we hate them so much? Whereas a
decade ago the "skis on the roof rack in July" urban legends and the
NASCAR jokes were bad enough, the abuse has recently worsened - mostly
due to the efforts of the current administration in Washington.
But all the same. What's up with that?
Let's see. We hate Americans. No, wait, we don't. We ... sort of ...
hate America. Okay, that's imprecise. It's a nice place, after all,
and give or take a vague impression that we got shafted with the whole
NAFTA thing, America hasn't bothered us for about 200 years. We have
this weird, secret sort of relationship with you that you really can't
understand because you weren't born here. I'll try to explain.
If you were born in the United States, you would have noticed that (at a
guess) 90-95% of your news is American national news. So when you come
to Canada and the news still contains 20% American content, it just
sounds like the background noise you've heard all of your life. Not for
us, though. We had to implement "Canadian Content Laws" just to make
sure some stuff about us showed up at all.
So this brings us to what I call the "National Inferiority Complex".
You see, the United States has way more people than we have. Despite
what we believe about the bravery and legacy of our own military, the US
military could pretty much destroy us with an aircraft carrier and a
battleship full of those long range missiles. American culture is
everywhere around us. The American economy dwarfs ours in size. We
know who George Washington is, but how many Americans could identify Sir
John A.?
Ever since we repelled the invading armies of the United States in 1812,
we fractious "Canadas" have had only one unifying concept to hold our
country together. Simply put, the only thing we can agree on around
here is that we aren't American, and we've been clinging to that
national identity for a long time.
Putting this "national identity" together with the Inferiority Complex,
you can see where it goes. Just as every person has to believe that
he's special in some way, every nation needs to believe that it's the
best place to live. If that weren't the case, we'd emigrate. So we
inflate the differences between ourselves and our neighbours to the
south.
Americans each have 9000 guns in their houses, which they fire off at
random, often striking each other. Americans think war is cool and love
to blow up other countries. America is full of religious nutters.
Americans think that our Prime Minister lives in an igloo. They can't
skate. Their hockey team had better lose to ours and baseball is
really, really boring. And what the hell is so exciting about NASCAR
anyway?
So the next time, dear American, you're taking a verbal raking over the
coals at the hands of a Canuck, just remember where it's coming from. I
can't promise we're getting any better, though.
Greg.
[Send responses to DTKs or new Editorials to mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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* Humour *
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[Forward any good jokes or interesting web sites you see to
mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
[Disclaimer for the disclaimer: The following disclaimer may not be
appropriate for all audiences. --Ed.]
[Disclaimer: The Humour Section may contain content that includes dirty
words, adult situations and jokes that make fun of politicians. Viewer
discretion is advised. --Ed.]
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Important Things To Remember About Wine
=======================================
The secret to enjoying a good wine is:
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2. When it does not breathe, perform mouth-to-mouth.
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Short Fairy Tale
================
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, played a
lot of golf, watched hockey, drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
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* General Info *
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Contact the NUTS Committee:
mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca
The NUTS Website is:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror (for people within Alcatel)
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