Foiled by inadequate shock absorbers on public transportation, it's...
T H E J U I C E A N D G I N
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Term XXXIX, Issue 4 (#167)
Weather outlook:
Still pleasant. For now.
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* Contents *
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- Editor's Blurb
- Ongoing Events
- Photographia
- Greg's DTK
- Humour
- General Info
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* Editor's Blurb *
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Hey all
Your editor is actually quite a bit sleepy right now. Maybe there's a
little bug going around. Maybe I'm just logy. These things can
happen. But anyone who has read the Juice and Gin before know full well
everything that goes on here. Especially the Intro. And the most we
can hope for nowadays is a little bit of silliness, padded out with
filler.
Until next time,
I just can't produce more cheese!
Michael (mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca)
And now, the rest of the story...
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* Ongoing Events *
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[See the Event Calendar on the web site for full descriptions.
--Ed.]
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Pool League
===========
Mondays
http://www.solutionsatsource.com/pool
Contact: Larisa and Michael (mailto:pool$solutionsatsource.com)
View the current players' statistics at:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/pool/index.html
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Indoor Rock Climbing
====================
Thursday evenings
Contact: Claire (mailto:Claire.Mettier$alcatel.com)
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* Photographia *
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More recycled punches a-plenty.
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/pictures/Punch/index.html
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror/pictures/Punch/index.html
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* Greg's Deep Thought Korner *
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The world must be a very strange and magical place to some people.
To me, yes indeed, the universe is mysterious and complex. But one of
my basic assumptions, as I go through my daily life, is that things are
connected to each other, logically, in a causal sort of way. If I drink
a lot of water, I pee clear. If you give in to your child's tantrums,
he'll throw more. Some causal connections aren't as obvious. If you
put a lot of MSG in your food, maybe you get a headache a day later. If
you smoke cigarettes, you get cancer in twenty years.
Regardless of the distance between the connections, however, I hold fast
to the idea that occurrences have logical connections to physical
actions.
Not so with everyone. I can't imagine the worldview of a person who
visits a psychic, or gets a fortune read from Tarot cards. What of this
thing called "Touch Therapy", which pretends that waving hands over
injured organs can somehow heal them (somehow?).
Look, when you're injured, there's something physically wrong with your
body. Muscles are damaged, bones are damaged, whatever. You apply
heat, you apply cold, this causes things to repair or relax or reduces
swelling. You stretch, you exercise, you get better. You can find
thorough medical, physical explanations for all of this.
Waving your hands over your knee won't help you walk. Sticking pins in
you neck won't resolve your eye strain. A psychic has no method of
predicting your future any better than anyone else. And unless you're
stubbing your toe on the same table every night, rearranging your
furniture will not improve your health.
I have a great deal of difficulty, as you can see, placing myself in the
mindset of people who trust their futures to psychics and astrologers.
Are you afraid to direct your own life? Does it help you to believe
someone else can plan things better? Do you really believe the future
is locked down like that? Do you see how bad Environment Canada is at
predicting the weather? Do you really think the universe is set up like
that? How does the psychic get that information? The world must be a
very magical, unexplainable place for such things to work. I guess I
just haven't send evidence to support such a world.
Greg.
[Send responses to DTKs or new Editorials to mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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* Humour *
**********
[Forward any good jokes or interesting web sites you see to
mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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Dumping Grounds: The Modern Approach
====================================
Men often consider blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the
dating process. The closest they ever get to telling a woman it's over
is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week."
But now there is a great way to blow a woman off.
It's safe, it's affordable, and the best thing is the female has no
opportunity to throw things at you.
It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail!
That's how all the happening, modern kind of guys are telling women they
are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her
how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard.
And you can delete her response without ever reading it!
What could be more painless?
Following is an e-mail rejection letter.
Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on
notice. The text of the letter follows:
---
Dear [her name],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. [your last name].
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this
year and dozens of other well-qualified candidates such as yourself also
failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file
should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours,
please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified
from the competition:
[Men will check those that apply]
[ ] Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to
pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of
basic economics.
[ ] Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by
the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the
position.
[ ] You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
[ ] The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
[ ] You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside
after I opened the passenger side door for you.
[ ] My breasts are bigger than yours.
[ ] Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
resubmit your application.
[ ] Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when
it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
[ ] The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar
and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too
impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to
heterosexuality.
[ ] Your revelation that you would certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to
shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
compassion but it does make it difficult to take you seriously.
[ ] Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount
importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the hockey team into
the bedroom so it would be "just like university" seemed somewhat
extreme and inappropriate.
[ ] I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, [Your name]
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* General Info *
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Contact the NUTS Committee:
mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca
The NUTS Website is:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror (for people within Alcatel)
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