Falling off the edge of the world, it's...
T H E J U I C E A N D G I N
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Term XXXIX, Issue 2 (#165)
Weather outlook:
Once again, back to sweaty.
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* Contents *
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- Editor's Blurb
- Ongoing Events
- Photographia
- Greg's DTK
- Humour
- General Info
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* Editor's Blurb *
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Hey all
For those of you new readers out there who didn't receive last week's
fantastic edition of this wonderful publication: Welcome to Fall 2005.
I would prefer if the Juice and Gin left the HQ earlier in the evening,
but please note that this is what happens when you let monkeys run the
printing presses.
And since I'm not above inserting shameless plugs whenever the mood
strikes me, the Pool League is back up and running at full steam. This
means that it's the perfect time to get in on some of that sweet 8-ball
action. The Events section has all the info. Well, some of the info
anyway. Enough to send an email off to the League organisers. And
believe me, that's more than enough.
Until next time,
I'm not a loser; I'm just overweight and I drink alone.
Michael (mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca)
And now, the rest of the story...
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* Ongoing Events *
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[See the Event Calendar on the web site for full descriptions.
--Ed.]
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Pool League
===========
Mondays
http://www.solutionsatsource.com/pool
Contact: Larisa and Michael (mailto:pool$solutionsatsource.com)
View the current players' statistics at:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/pool/index.html
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Indoor Rock Climbing
====================
Thursday evenings
Contact: Claire (mailto:Claire.Mettier$alcatel.com)
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* Photographia *
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Not a shameful re-use of previously seen material, but another Punch of
the Week Classic!
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/pictures/Punch/index.html
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror/pictures/Punch/index.html
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* Greg's Deep Thought Korner *
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So, anyway, for those that haven't been paying attention, there's a new
kid on his way in to the world. Yes, indeed, procreation is in the
air. One of my female readers (in spite of the "noodle incident", I'm
told that I still have at least two female readers) asked me why I
hadn't written on the subject.
I'll be honest: the main reason is that the last thing I would ever
want to do is turn the DTK in to one of those Lifestyles columns you see
in terrible newspapers everywhere. "Haha. I was driving my kids to
soccer practice in the minivan and one of them spilled ice cream all
over the seats. I guess life's like that. The end." If you already
have kids, any observation I make is going to be naive and outdated. If
you don't have kids, you'll find it soppy and a waste of electronic
typeface.
Nevertheless, I will indulge in a single observation.
When I thought about having kids and even when we found out my wife was
pregnant, I was concerned about a great many things. There's a crib to
buy, then a change table to build. There are the costs associated with
diapers. How does E.I. work? What colour is good for a baby's room?
How long does the paint need to air out? How much does a baby cost
anyway? Should I sell my sports car? Simply put, my mind (whether
because I'm male, or an engineer, or just because I'm me) focused on the
technical matters.
This lasted until the tenth week of pregnancy when we went in to
doctor's office. The doctor placed this curious device on my wife's
belly. She called it a "Doppler." She roamed it around for a bit and,
quite suddenly, we heard this persistent ticking sound, about two and a
half beats every second. At ten weeks, we could already hear a
heartbeat. Fantastic.
For every person, I suppose, the moment of crystallization can occur at
a different time. Maybe it's seeing the baby born, or the first
ultrasound, or even the seeing those two pink strips (formerly the stuff
of nightmares) on the end of the stick. For me, it was hearing the
heart beat, pounding away at a healthy 154 beats per minute. It comes
with a wide-eyed flash of panic (What have I done?) and is followed by
concerns of a wholly non-technical list of questions that go far beyond
cribs and paint chips. Am I wise enough for this? How do I not screw
this up? How do I raise a good kid?
Seriously, I'll try not to bring up any baby stuff in the future, but I
found it weird how quickly I could be switched from left-brain to
right-brain, how quickly I went from counting cost and quantities of
diapers, milk and clothing to being fanatically concerned about the
mental well-being, the health and the existence of the child-to-be.
Freaky is all I can say.
Now there are about two months left (birth predictions being as vague as
they are). I suppose everything is set, but I can't get over the
feeling that I'm missing something, that I'm not quite prepared --
despite all the babysitting, reading and painting -- for what will
happen next.
Greg.
[Send responses to DTKs or new Editorials to mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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* Humour *
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[Forward any good jokes or interesting web sites you see to
mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
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Very Helpful Advice
===================
Some handy hints to help you through the day...
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate
melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to
have the oven serviced.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out
the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle
the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that
the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 4 kilos in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by removing your windshield wipers whenever you
leave your car parked illegally.
High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Olympic athletes: Conceal the fact that you have taken performance
enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone
else win.
Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your ceiling.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X-Files fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly
maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
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* General Info *
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Contact the NUTS Committee:
mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca
The NUTS Website is:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror (for people within Alcatel)
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Copyright (c) 2001, 2005 N.U.T.S. All rights reserved.