The ugliest of all amphibians, it's...
T H E J U I C E A N D G I N
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Term XXXVIII, Issue 1 (#146)
Weather outlook:
Intermittent crap.
************
* Contents *
************
- Editor's Blurb
- Ongoing Events
- Photographia
- Greg's DTK
- Humour
- General Info
******************
* Editor's Blurb *
******************
Hey all
Welcome one and all to Summer 2005. And a big hello to all the new
readers this week as the new co-ops are now up, about and on the job.
Come in, take a look around, make yourself comfortable. But don't take
anything, since we check and we know where you live.
Regular readers will be aware, from reading these week-in and week-out,
there's also a tendency to reuse material around here. Especially if
the Editor has encountered what's technically referred to in the editing
business as the "get this damn thing out already" syndrome.
If you're new to NUTS and the Juice and Gin in general, feel free to
peruse the web site and get aquatinted with all the wonderful goings on.
The address is at the bottom of the newsletter, in case you like to look
at hyperlinks. Oooh.
We've got a couple of ongoing events. Until she let's me know
otherwise, Claire still has Indoor Rock Climbing. There's also a weekly
eight-ball league called, strangely enough, The Pool League (better name
pending, as it has been, for a while now).
And finally, if anyone out there knows of any new co-ops or new hires
that would be interested in receiving this wonderful weekly publication,
let them know that they can sign up at no cost to them! Just have
anyone interested send me an email (to the nutsinfo address below), and
that'll be that. What have you got to lose? It's not like you're not
receiving enough spam yet.
Until next time,
My get up and go got up and went.
Michael (mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca)
And now, the rest of the story...
******************
* Ongoing Events *
******************
[See the Event Calendar on the web site for full descriptions.
--Ed.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pool League
===========
Mondays
http://www.solutionsatsource.com/pool
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/events/pool/index.html
Contact: Jason and Michael (mailto:pool$solutionsatsource.com)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indoor Rock Climbing
====================
Thursday evenings some weekends
Contact: Claire (mailto:Claire.Mettier$alcatel.com)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
****************
* Photographia *
****************
More punch fun. Really, how much different can the descriptions be
every week? Unless something different creeps in. But this week is
more of the same. And that means mayhem!
http://nutsevents.topcities.com/pictures/Punch/index.html
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror/pictures/Punch/index.html
******************************
* Greg's Deep Thought Korner *
******************************
Nobody likes two DTKs in a row on the same subject, but I'm going to do
it anyway. Why? What the hell else am I going to talk about? The
latest in stroller technology? Who would be interested in that?
I love to watch politicians screw themselves in to corners. It proves,
as if we needed more proof, that there is something wrong with the
people who want to go in to politics. They don't seem to have
principles, or backbones, or values. They have one, and only desire:
to get themselves reelected, and maybe juice the laws to benefit
whatever they do when they're not in office. Except for parties that
have no chance of governing, you don't see a lot of principled stands.
You don't often hear, "I don't care what the polls say, I stand for
position 'x' and I'm your candidate if you support 'x'". What you see,
instead, are politicians swaying to the breeze of telephone polls that
have a seven percent margin of error (19 times out of 20).
I received a call, this past weekend, from one such polling agency.
Inundated, I was, with some 15 minutes of questions. Did I believe Paul
Martin when he said he wanted to get to the bottom of the Sponsorship
Scandal? Or did I believe Stephen Harper who said that the PM only
started the inquiry because he had to? Um, I'll go with Harper on that
one. Would it be right for the Conservatives and Bloc to force an
election right now? Duh. It's a democracy. If they can vote the
government out, of course it's right. Do I want an election right now?
Not particularly.
It was the most obnoxious thing, how the pollster's questions kept
asking me if I supported Harper or Martin. Question after question:
Martin or Harper; Millionaire or Helmet Head; Steamships and Tax Havens
or Jesus and Traditional Marriage. I'll give the pollsters credit,
though. They assumed that the population is voting on issues. There
wasn't one question about whether I thought Stephen Harper was "warm
enough" for me to vote for. The questions regarded where I thought each
leader stood on issues like gay marriage, war, abortion, missile
defence, corruption in government and religion in politics.
You see, the Conservatives are in a bit of a corner. They saw their
popularity very high, so they declared, taking an apparent principled
stand, that the corrupt Liberal government needed to be brought down.
The government was so corrupt, so ridiculous in its contempt for
Canadians, that the Conservatives would force an election. Suddenly,
upon being faced with the prospect of an election caused by the
Conservatives, potentially leading to a Conservative government, the
polls switched back to showing a Liberal lead in Ontario. Now the
Conservatives are wondering if their principled stand was a wise idea,
though it's too late to go back on it.
Why did the polls switch back? Let me tell you why. It was a question
that came at the end of the pollster's survey that Friday night. She
made a number of statements and I was to "strongly agree, agree,
disagree, or strongly disagree with each statement." I remember the
last statement very well:
"I don't trust the Liberals because of the sponsorship scandal, but I
don't want a Conservative government."
Precisely, my dear. And apparently, much of the country feels much the
same way about the unknown fringes of the Conservative party. But,
hell, you never really thought I'd go that far right anyway, did you?
My ideal government? Martin loses his seat. The Liberals and NDP form
a coalition. We get stringent fuel economy restrictions on vehicles,
better health care, a decent foreign policy that doesn't involve
knocking over democracies and - oh, yeah - about a dozen Sheila Fraser
clones watching everybody.
Greg.
[Send responses to DTKs or new Editorials to mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
**********
* Humour *
**********
[Forward any good jokes or interesting web sites you see to
mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Star Wars Toys That Never Were
==============================
Thanks to Greg G. @ Alcatel
http://www.goblertoys.com/pages2/goblerstarwars.html
(Flash presentation)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Jokes With Realistic Endings
=================================
Thanks to Greg G. @ Alcatel
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
One is of the genus canis, the other is of the genus vulpis.
~~~
A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm
all out of tuna fish."
So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."
But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tuna fish."
The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"
The customer, now irate, realizes that the salesman was actually a
mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store.
~~~
A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees
a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there.
The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in
a body hugging wetsuit.
"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years.
Thank god someone has come at last."
"Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight years since you last smoked a
cuban cigar?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it
to him, pulls out a zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first
cigar he has had in eight years.
"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it
to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's
smooth and mellow and utterly delicious.
"So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her
costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"
"Oh no," he says. "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman
with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be
dreaming."
Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the
night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert
island. So alone, so terribly alone
~~~
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The
bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars."
The bear replies, "I guess I will have a soda instead."
So the bear and the bartender talk over non-alcoholic drinks all night
about the reality of interspecies communication.
~~~
A man left for a vacation. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he
decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When
the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,
did not recognize the sender's name, and rightly deduced that she was
not the intended recipient. She replied, pointing out the man's
mistake, who then resent the e-mail to the proper address.
~~~
What's the difference between a duck?
I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my
sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a
goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of
waterfowl.
~~~
As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty
girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to
die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in
addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of
copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not
impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the
mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear
this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in
anxious reflection.
~~~
What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
~~~
Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida
and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left
and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most
magical place on Earth.
~~~
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewellery
she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If
you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate
thought and effort in a present more than money.
~~~
Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?
The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of
the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in.
~~~
There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't
seen him in years.
~~~
I just flew in from LA, and boy are my arms tired. This is because they
had run out of carts at Charlotte Douglas, and I had to lug two
extremely heavy suitcases all the way from the baggage carousels to my
car. I think I might have pulled a muscle in my arm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
****************
* General Info *
****************
Contact the NUTS Committee:
mailto:nutsinfo$yahoo.ca
The NUTS Website is:
http://nutsevents.topcities.com
http://torpedo.ca.newbridge.com/mirror (for people within Alcatel)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2001, 2005 N.U.T.S. All rights reserved.